First and foremost:

(week/month)

Second: Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by the fact that VanPride is in AUGUST instead of in JUNE (aka PRIDE MONTH) like everyone else’s Pride Parade?!?!

Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

In honour of Pride in everywhere except Vancouver, I figured I’d share some of the things that I think are important to remember all the time, but especially now, about the LGBTQ* community and Pride. Also, I’ll add some of the things that we teach our kids to ensure they are inclusive little humans and know that they’re allowed to be themselves – whoever that may be.

1. NO TERFS ALLOWED; being transphobic is gross, full stop. Don’t do it.
2. Social privilege is super complex, but, in short, marginalized persons are still marginalized in the LGBTQ* community. A white gay man has way more social privilege than a gay BIPOC, for example. Being white is simply more socially acceptable than not being white, regardless of one’s sexuality. Being cis is more socially acceptable than being trans, being heterosexual is more socially acceptable than being not-hetero, and so forth. So, if you’re NOT LGBTQ* and you’re attending Pride, #checkyourpriv and make sure you’re not making it an unsafe space for the people the event is intended for.
3. Gender =/= sex. OKAY FIRST OF ALL sex isn’t even binary, because male, female, and intersex are all sexes assigned at birth. Being intersex is about as common as having red hair. It’s also nobody’s business what people’s birth sex assignment is.
4. Gender is a spectrum, and most kids know their gender between the ages of 2 years old and 5 years old (so if you’re announcing fetal sex, it’s technically a genital reveal).
5.  Sexuality is a spectrum, and women tend to have more fluidity on this spectrum than men. This is probably a result of toxic masculinity because men touching each other is like a #bigdeal but I feel sad for men that can’t be like “wow look at that dude’s hair I am OBSESSED” or list their celebrity crushes (of all genders) with their friends without everyone turning into the world’s biggest homophobe (gross). Like I identify as straight but if Natalie Portman* wanted to marry me, sorry Trav – it’s been fun.
6. Oh yeah- NO HOMOPHOBES ALLOWED. See #1.
7. Don’t use slurs, and don’t use words that do not belong to you (like qu**r has been reclaimed by some folx and not by others so do not use that as an identifier for individuals, for instance). Also, I feel like this should go without saying but like if someone else calls themselves something that doesn’t give you the right to call them that.
8. If you don’t know something, google it; don’t request emotional labour from someone in the community (tbh this goes for any minority). There is no shortage of valuable peer-reviewed data about the LGBTQ* community – I say this from an academic perspective. If you need somewhere to start, let me know!
9. Public spaces are ridiculously hetero-normative and cis-normative, and if you think they aren’t, you’re fooling yourself. This also means they’re not always safe for people who aren’t straight or cis, especially if they don’t pass as straight or cis. Also, if you complain about rainbow crosswalks, then CONGRATS, you’ve got some homophobia to tackle STAT. Check yourself.
10. Erasure and gate-keeping are just not OK. Ace-erasure, bi-erasure, pan-erasure, etc. – STOP. People don’t owe you an explanation regarding their sexuality, and it’s not up to you what they identify as.
11. The fact that Toronto Pride let uniformed officers march over BLM irks me to my core. It’s gross that BIPOC LGBTQ* folx were either excluded or made to feel unsafe so that the pillars of an oppressive system could march in uniform. Ridiculous.
12. Don’t tokenize LGBTQ* persons. If you’re tokenizing your “friend,” tell them so they can dump you.
13. None of the A’s stand for ally. That’s a bloody ridiculous notion and that concept needs to die.
14. If your allyship is conditional, you’re not an ally, and if people don’t consider you an ally, that’s their prerogative and it’s valid. Also, being an ally is an action, not an identity (I admittedly stole this from somewhere, and I don’t remember where).
15. And finally, in an ironic twist, don’t talk over or for people (yikes @ me, amirite) and take accountability and self-crit if you’ve done or said something that has harmed someone in the LGBTQ* community (and just in general would be good, also).

*Let’s be real the list is longer than just Natty P but she’s been my #1 since ’01

**If I’ve erred in any way, or if you think I should add something, please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks, friends!

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And now, for raising inclusive spawn:

Obviously this is not a flawless list by any means, since we’ve been parents for a mere 3.5 years, and William hasn’t even started school yet, and that will definitely throw a wrench in our current conversations – or whatever the saying is (#mombrain). Based on the literature I’ve read, and the things that I’ve learned from people in the community, as well as just my own life experience/upbringing (things I wish I knew, regret, etc.):

1. Let kids express their individuality. When our kids are little, I dress them how I like to dress (it’s not a coincidence that we have so many clothing items that match), which is relatively gender neutral. As soon as William was old enough, he started to pick out his own clothes. We let Will shop throughout the kids’ sections (budget-pending), regardless of whether we’re in the physical store or shopping online, so he frequents both “boys'” and “girls'” sections. Will even chooses his own hair length and style. Some of his outfits are definitely not what I’d pick out, sure, but they show who he is, and that is always awesome. Also, he sometimes helps me pick out my outfits; he overall has got great taste.
2. When your kids share their identity with you, listen. Will identifies as a boy, but that doesn’t mean he can’t love pink, sparkles, nail polish, tutus, purses, cat hats, and dressing well. He’s a pusher – he pushes those gender norms.
3. Don’t perpetuate binaries; there’s no such thing as a “boy” or “girl” ANYTHING for children, and insisting that something is “for boys” or “for girls” is problematic, especially because society generally deems things that are “for boys” as socially acceptable for boys and girls, but things that are “for girls” as unacceptable for boys to participate in. This includes using gendered adjectives!!! They’re easily avoidable; I promise, thesauruses are v reliable friends.
4. Don’t gender genitalia; our bodies are not who we are. We use the pronouns that correlate with our kids’ assigned sex at birth until/unless they tell us otherwise, but we also allow our kids to explore their identities, and their identities are exclusive of their genitals. When we talk about anatomy (everybody do it with correct terminology, it’s important!), we say “some people have a penis and testicles, and some people have a vulva and vagina, and some people have varying combinations of those genitals.” (When your mom has an English degree, you quickly learn big words, or you learn to ask their definitions).
5. When you talk about gender, keep in mind that it is a spectrum, and include non-binary, agender, etc. as well as alternative pronouns. We also try to avoid assuming people’s gender and instead say, “that person with the blue jacket” or some other type of identifier. When William first started talking, he called everyone aunty/uncle or grandma/grandpa; the latter was especially fun.
6. Check your heteronormativity: don’t assume your kid is straight, and don’t assume anyone else is, either! Our main focus of sexuality is types of families, as it’s important to us that William knows that there are families that aren’t like his. So, we say, “some kids have a mom and a dad like you do, some kids have two dads, some kids have two moms… one mom, one dad, two moms and one dad, two dads and two moms, a parent/parents who don’t identify as a mom or dad, etc.” – you get it. This has helped him learn that relationships that he doesn’t necessarily understand are possible in all types of situations; for instance, he’s asked, “who’s Isla’s wife?” He clearly doesn’t understand the concept of ‘wife,’ but he knows that his afab sister can have one. He’s asked the same about his uncle’s husband; since both Isla and said uncle are minors, my response was just, “they don’t have a husband/wife, because they’re too young to get married.”
7. Don’t sexualize infants and children; saying your kid is going to grow up and marry another kid is unnecessary and frankly, uncomfortable for everyone involved. I clearly remember people “matchmaking” me and a friend when I was around 6 or 7, and it was G R O S S. I hated it.
8. Most kids also know their sexuality pretty early on, so normalize sexualities that your child isn’t around often so they know they aren’t alone (there are books, TV shows, etc. that are great for this that are aimed at young kids).
9. Use gender neutral language – they/them is grammatically correct as a singular pronoun (both currently and historically), and as someone with an English degree, this is a hill I’m willing to die on. “Partner” is also a good word which is, admittedly one I’ve been working on. I’m self-conscious about the fact that I look 17, and people are super judgey towards young parents, so being married is kind of a social safety net for me. I change it up between “husband” and “partner,” but I know that I use the former far more frequently (I’d also use “spouse” if it didn’t sound horrendous and remind me of lice, but it gives me the heebie jeebies because it sounds so similar to louse).
10. And finally, love your babies unconditionally. If you have kids so you can have grandchildren one day, well, first off, there’s just too much to unpack there. Second, welcome to 2018: not everyone is willing to have children to sign up for doomsday (sorry, spawn). Bottom line: love your kids for whoever they might become. Their gender and/or sexuality is irrelevant to you loving them – don’t let it be relevant.