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Parenting is a roller coaster ride, if roller coasters were capable of defying physics and going straight from the highest point of the ride to the lowest point in like 0.03 seconds with absolutely no warning whatsoever. There are a lot of things that I now know, being a seasoned (jk — my oldest is only three, and he still wears diapers) parent of two small kids, that I wish someone (ANYONE?!) had warned me about. So buckle in, friends: here’s the good, the bad, and the poopy.

1. This might just be a c-section thing, I don’t know, but after both of our kids were born, the paeds YANKED their little baby hips up, down, and all around to make sure they don’t have hip dysplasia. Thankfully, neither of them do, but it was awful to watch. I was born with hip dysplasia (also born via c-section) and it SUCKS. I can pop my hips in and out, despite being ‘triple-diapered’ (idk, ask my mom).
2. When babies are born, their genitals swell. Like, a lot. This is normal, they won’t have gargantuan labia or testicles forever; it goes down pretty quickly. I have five younger siblings, so seeing newborn genitalia wasn’t a shock for me (I learned how to change diapers when I was five), but Travis almost lost his head.
3. When you lose weight postpartum, you lose the weight of both the baby and your amniotic fluid, placenta, etc., so the total weight loss is about twice what the baby weighs. You’ll still look pregnant after, though, since the uterus is still huge. Can evolution figure this one out? Thx.
4. If you have a c-section, they often won’t discharge you until you have a bowel movement. Right after getting your abdomen sliced open. And removing a baby. Put pressure on your belly so you don’t feel like you’re rupturing (also do this when you sneeze, laugh, or show any other emotions for the following three weeks). Also, hemorrhoids are really common postpartum; fun fact: there are both internal and external hemorrhoids — who knew? Basically, birth is a logistical nightmare.
5. Bodily functions won’t bother you IN THE LEAST after being subjected to childbirth in any form. What’s privacy? What’s decency? WHO KNOWS? Not I, that’s for sure. The entire L&D ward at Surrey Memorial Hospital has probably seen my boobs, and also my butt through mesh underwear (more on those later). Not to mention the fact that they had to check my incision… so, yeah. Parenthood is shameless, bodies are bodies, etc. It’s all good.
6. You’re going to deal with a lot of bodily fluids. Like, an exorbitant amount. Think of all of the poop, pee, vomit, and snot that you think one small human could possibly create, and then multiply it tenfold; now you’re probably in the right ballpark. William welcomed me into the shitstorm (pun intended) that is parenthood rather quickly: less than 24 hours after he was born, I was covered in meconium (newborn poop — it’s black, sticky, and, well, GROSS). Thankfully I was able to walk(-ish) at that point so that I could clean the poop off of me in the shower at 4 am. Also, my nurse snagged me a SECOND pair of mesh underwear to replace the ones William pooped on. She’s the real MVP.
7. Oh yeah. If you give birth in any manner, mesh underwear are your new best friend. Postpartum means bleeding out the wazoo (also the vagina; just kidding, only your vagina, ideally) regardless of what method your spawn escapes utero. This means that you get sent home with the biggest pads you’ve ever laid eyes on and one heavenly pair of mesh underwear. I had two c-sections, and after William, I bled for EIGHT FLIPPING WEEKS. After Isla, I bled for six. Good times. I wore mesh underwear longer than that, though, because they are comfy as hell, plus they’re super breathable, which is nice when you have a six inch incision that needs air to heal (and your stomach skin is so loose that it covers the incision).
8. You’re going to have to use some sort of contraption to suck the snot straight out of your kid’s nose, whether that’s a store-bought contraption or your mouth (I admire and fear you), and you’ll quickly realize that the best ones are ones that use mouth suction (thx, NoseFrida). You will not eat snot if you’re doing it properly. Probably.
9. Once babies start eating solids, their poop starts smelling like, well, poop, and you’re gonna miss the newborn through 6 month poop smell (yeah, seriously). You will not, however, miss poopsplosions, which decrease as their solid intake increases. It’s a bittersweet, smelly time.
10. I’m gonna interrupt this regularly scheduled, disgusting programming to mention STROLLERS because I did not research strollers prior to having William and it is my biggest baby-stuff-related regret. If you’re going to (or want to, or potentially will, etc.) have more than one child, and you want to have an age gap that’s less than 4 years, buy a stroller that can convert to a double. We bought a travel system for William, and it was OK for the first seven months of his life, which is when we transitioned him to a convertible car seat, but after that, it sucked. Travel systems are designed so that the car seat is attached when the stroller seat is in its most upright position, which mean it’s slightly angled. This is great for kids who always nap in the stroller, but for 99% of the toddler population, at some point, any angle greater than 90 degrees is going to be the cause of a tantrum (or, if you have a child like mine, several tantrums). We have a Baby Jogger City Select Lux, which deserves its own blog post; in short, 10/10 recommend.
    

    the double stroller life chose me (Will was with me, too, which is why his seat is attached)

11. Well-meaning people are going to tell you to “sleep when the baby sleeps” and you’re going to resent that statement. It’s a great method, in theory, except at some point during the day, you’re going to have to pee, eat, refill your water bottle (it’s a new parent’s lifeline), shower, wash the bottles/pump/whatever hardware is required to feed your small human, etc. You’ll also attempt to clean your home in an attempt to make it look like an angry horde of 6 year olds did not just tear through your home, but it’ll be in vain, because it’ll look the same tomorrow. But still, sleep seldom happens at much as we like it to, and when it does, it’s fleeting.
12. Well-meaning people are also going to come to your baby shower with gift bags filled with adorable baby clothes. You’ll get a lot of stuff that wasn’t on your registry, and you’ll get stuff that won’t necessarily be seasonally appropriate depending on how quickly/not quickly your bub grows. Prepare to re-gift. Or leave it hanging in the closet hoping it’ll magically fit in the right season like I do. Also, prepare to buy useful, albeit not-cute, baby things. Baby shopping is way more fun when you’re not the parent of said baby that is being shopped for.
13. You’re going to have visitors who offer to lend a hand, and you’re going to want to say, “no, it’s totally fine, I can do it,” and you’ll regret that decision. Just let them help you. Let your friends and family members bring you coffee and food, do the dishes, vacuum, make bottles, meal prep, cook, whatever. Parenthood is exhausting. You are ‘on’ literally 24/7. You deserve the break — don’t talk yourself out of letting people help you. “It takes a village” is a saying for a reason; the people that offer are your village.
14. Babies are adorable and smell delicious (srsly smelling them releases endorphins) as an evolutionary method so that adults don’t just ditch them in a sleep-deprived, delirious state. No, seriously. It’s science. Parenting is SO HARD that humans have evolved to be cute so we don’t neglect our young while they torture us via sleep deprivation. So thank your lucky stars if your kid is cute and sleeps. Evolution is on your side.
15. Breastfeeding does hurt at first, even though a bunch of people are going to tell you you’re doing it wrong if it hurts (if you choose to breastfeed, obvi). But like, in what world is a small human gnawing on your nipple somehow not painful or not uncomfortable? It’s definitely painful at first until your body gets accustomed to it. Oh, and if your nipples start cracking and bleeding, that’s totally normal. Stock up on Lanolin and invest in some nipple shields, friends. And if your nipples bleed, that means there’ll be blood in your bub’s spit-up. So probably stock up on stain remover, too. Plus, poopsplosions — stain remover definitely required.
16. You need a diaper bag, and you’re gonna use it until the end of time, so get a cute one (LOVE my Matt & Nat diaper tote; it fits everything, even a baby). I’ve also heard of inserts where you can stash all of your baby stuff and move it from bag to bag, but none of my purses are large enough for holding more than a few diapers. I also don’t know what those contraptions are called… Alternatively, if you want to (or plan to, potentially may, etc.) have multiple beans, invest in a diaper bag backpack (Freshly Picked diaper backpacks are amazing), or at least a backpack with a lot of pockets. You need a ridiculous amount of storage (that under-stroller space is invaluable) and 100% of your arm motion abilities for wrangling two small humans, trust me.
    

    no babies were carried in a diaper bag in the making of this photo (LOOK AT HOW CUTE BB WILL IS GAH)

17. Don’t feel obligated to spend extra time to puree your own foods — if you want to, go for it, but it’s definitely not required! Baby led weaning is an easy way to get babies to feed themselves (#noragrets), though I do pouch purees and jar purees, too, because I just do whatever is easiest, and making baby food is not always that. By age two, every kid is eating stale goldfish crackers and McDonald’s french fries off the floor, and dirt and sand are their own food group.  Also, *puts on geographer hat* organic and conventional foods have no difference in nutritional value; organic food requires more land area and water to grow, plus it tends to use more pesticides (especially if it’s non-GMO) than conventional farming practices. Essentially, organic and non-GMO labelling are nothing more than classist fear-mongering; thanks for coming to my TedTalk.
18. Baby blues are totally natural after giving birth, and last from 2-4 weeks because hormones are adjusting, no one is sleeping, etc. If you feel anxious or sad, let your doctor (and your partner, parent, friend, etc.) know so that they can keep an eye on you, support you, and make your transition to parenthood easier. PPA and PPD are common, and they’re hard to battle on your own. Try going for walks if you’re feeling alone or cooped up; walks are good for your mental and physical health! And always remember: if you can’t make your own serotonin, store-bought is fine!
19. Parents — moms especially — are expected to be martyrs, but to that, I say, FORGET IT. You can be a parent, and still be an individual apart from a parent; I still take time for myself to things I enjoy, to work, etc. It’s not healthy for me to not have any time for myself; I know that, Travis knows that, and his parents know that, too, and are super supportive (and willing to watch the kids if I need a break)! Even with this conscious knowledge, I sometimes feel guilty that I’m a crappy SAHM. I just am. I like to work (housework not included).
20. There are like 438685342 rules on car seat safety, and the installation techniques, etc. vary with each seat. Check out Car Seats for the Littles and meet with a certified car seat tech to help your bub stay safe in the car! There’s no cost whatsoever (it’s a volunteer position), though you can donate cash, gift cards, etc. to the tech you work with. There are also local Facebook groups where you can get info on what seats will work best with your vehicle(s). It’s rad!

I wouldn’t trade motherhood for the world, but there really should be a pamphlet giving us the nitty gritty deets during pregnancy. What are some of the things you wish you knew before you were a parent? Let me know!